Bad leaders have something over the good ones. Bad leaders have much better job security. Why? It’s simple. They run off anybody who is a threat to them before any damage can be done. Bad leadership is an art form. It’s not easy to make yourself into the kind of leader who nobody wants to follow anywhere. And because this underrated art form and the job security that goes with it are seemingly in great demand … here are Five Rules for Lousy Leadership!
1. What’s right is what I say is right!
This is a very simple way to let everybody know, right out of the gate, that there is only one person at the top and that person is you. Your genius, your organization skills, your foresight and intelligence will take you on to new heights, despite your team’s ineptitude. From the start, you simply tell them, “It’s all been carved in stone. I speak. You agree.” It’s amazing how effective a weapon this can be in your Lousy Leadership arsenal. You ever see those shows about Buckingham Palace, and how the help all stop and bow their heads whenever a royal walks by? Well, that’s how your people will be whenever you walk down the hall. Or, better yet, whenever you burst into a room and yell, “Who’s working hard today?” Just the sort of thing to make the little hairs on the back of their insecure little necks stand on end.
2. Keep that great plan you made all to yourself.
Somewhere deep in your desk drawer, although you’ve likely forgotten where, there is a copy of the company master plan you created – well, the master plan the vice-presidents drew up under threat of loss of parking spaces if they ever deny you wrote it. It’s probably, really, a pretty good plan. Take the company forward, get everyone on the same page. But it involves a true terror for a Lousy Leader. To implement the plan, one department must know what another department is doing. And you can’t have that. So when you are asked about the plan, you reply, “Yeah, we have a plan. What great business doesn’t? But if I want you to know what’s going on in another department, I’ll tell you what’s going on in another department.” Quick about-face and back to your private dining room.
3. It’s not a lie if you believe it.
Your people know you to be a person of impeccable honor. (Right!) They must trust you because, to a large degree, you never have any interaction with them, so they must believe you are doing the top job just brilliantly. On those rare and unfortunate occasions when you find yourself forced to mingle, at a staff meeting, at the all-too-rare awards handout or (God forbid) on Pizza Friday, there is a simple way to let everybody know that everything is alright. When called on to speak, just take the mic, fake that sincere look and state, “People – one thing is always true. You know I would never lie to my family!” Look out at their faces, bask in the warmth of their admiration for you. Quick about-face and back to your office, door closed as always.
4. It’s very simple, really.
So many unknowing people think that leadership is a terribly difficult task to master. To get to that seven-figure salary level must take years of climbing the ladder, finding a mentor, and so on. However, you know the truth is that even though others helped you out (now and then) you made the climb on your own. There’s nobody to thank when they come to interview you for Forbes or Fortune. All the admiration is aimed at you because you did it your way. And now, at the top, you pass along this key piece of wisdom to your people. “I gave you your orders. Now carry them out.”
Magic words that put you and your management style in sharp focus. And the great thing is, if you give them lousy orders and they carry them out … then it’s their fault for doing a lousy job!
5. Make sure everybody is scared of you.
This last one is so obvious, it’s almost shameful to list it for you. The greatest motivator of all is … fear. If you can arrange the office so that the mere sight of you makes breath catch in people’s throats, you’re on the way to becoming a Lousy Leader. Everything else is small potatoes next to this rule. Tell them if they want a friend to get a dog. Nothing … NOTHING succeeds like FEAR.
Okay, I’m sorry this isn’t written in the Sarcastica font. Nobody sets out to be a lousy leader. Some people can’t help it because it stems from their personality. Some people fail because the training they got was woefully inadequate. Some can’t cut it because they are afraid of leading others. And some just think they’re naturals and they become General Patton-2.0: they want their people to feel the fear.
(SPOILER: IT DOESN’T WORK!!!)
Bad leadership is an art form. It’s not easy to make yourself into the kind of leader who nobody wants to follow anywhere.
